Catharsis

A few nights ago, I tweeted a simple prayer. 

Confused. Lord, tulong. 

Though it seemed like a call for attention, it was a sincere prayer. I don't know what to feel that night. I had to let it out. All of it. That feeling of being frustrated, of being boxed, of being judged, of just about everything. Questions filled my mind, while emotions cloud my thoughts. I felt like people have this fixed idea of who Debbie Manalili is, or what she is as a person. Being in Liberal Arts, even in this University, my professors taught me to stand for my convictions-in one way or the other. Thinking about it now, this should be limited. I should always know where to draw the line and just shut up. Di dapat lahat ng bagay, binibigyan pansin. I wanted to walk away, to leave everything behind just because I feel crushed that night. But the Lord won't allow things to end just like that. He simply reminded me why I was here in the first place: it is because of His love.

I am grateful for the people around me. I am blessed with a family who supports me in all my quirks, and who understands this mission. It was never an easy journey towards that, but it was worth it. I am blessed with friends who respect me for the things I believe in. Especially those from socio, I know that we really don't see reality the same, but that is part of what I love about the discipline. I am blessed to be loved by someone who is very patient with my occasional mood swings, someone who loves me even for every flaw that I have. I am blessed to be part of this think tank that keeps me empowered and balanced, and to be of service to this program that I love. I am blessed to be part of this sector core who inspires me to be better and keeps me nourished. I am loved by the Lord through these people and more, even for every caramel macchiato I sip.

With this realization, I can't say that I am okay. All I know that this journey is for and with the Lord. As of this blog post, I know He is asking be two things. First, He is asking me to learn how to forgive. It has always been my weakness, and I know that I can easily forget everything just because I feel hurt. The Lord has given me a lot times to start anew, so why can't I do the same? And second, He is asking me to love without expecting anything in return. Upon doing so, everything else will follow. Everything should be rooted in love, in our love for Him.

In the midst of this situation, I know that the Lord holds my heart. This post is my catharsis. I have it let it all out. I have to let all my inhibitions go and simply trust in the Lord.

08/25/2012

Words are not enough to describe how blessed I feel right now. More than the things that I actually did and received today, I am blessed to really reflect on certain things. The frustration that I felt in the morning was flushed away by the comfort that I experienced later on. Praise God for everything, and may I glorify Him in things that I do.

More

Don't let anyone look down on you because of your youth, but set an example for believers in speech, life, love, faith and purity 1 Timothy 4:12

Lately, I started to feel burned out again. I feel like I'm doing too much things again. Juggling responsibilities ain't that easy. I have to give equal time for everything, almost. I feel like shutting down for a day. Hayy. To ease things, I dropped by the UST Chapel last Tuesday. There, God said, I gave you all these things because I know you could do more than what you imagine. It was an opportunity for me, to excel under pressure, from Him. Instead of feeling pressured, I should feel blessed through all of these things.

Thank You Lord for the opportunity to serve, to study, to work, and to love. I'll always be grateful.

Socially Constructed Faith

Originally posted October 12, 2011-from my tumblog. I'm posting this on blogger simply because this entry reflects my thoughts for this morning.

I’ve realized some things from last night’s ‘reco’. This post will be long, sensitive and personal, so I’ve decided to give you a choice whether to read it or not :) Highly opinionated and not edited.

I remember one Thursday afternoon, during Theo class, we were discussing about the Ten Commandments. For some odd reason, I asked our prof about spiritual dryness. Spiritual dryness is said to be the feeling of separation from God during prayer. In short, parang di ka kinakausap ng Diyos. She said that it was normal and even St. Catherine (of Siena) experienced the same thing. After our class, I approached her and asked her what should I do. Her words were “parang balon lang yan, pag walang tubig, you have to dig deep”. But I wonder, how do I dig deeper? Paano ko gagawin yun kung feeling ko di na ako kinakausap ng Diyos? That feeling when prayers and questions are both left unanswered, or simply asking for a message that never came. Was I talking too much that I did not hear Him? Why? It is believed that such condition would eventually lead to a greater love of God. A bit sketchy, if you ask me.

I’ve been asked once or twice whether I believe in God’s existence. Kaya daw siguro may so-called ‘spiritual dryness’, kasi wala naman talagang Diyos. I see their point, how would you feel something that isn’t there in the first place? Studying in the Pontifical and Royal University of Santo, The Catholic University of the Philippines DOES NOT, in any way, ensure a student’s faith (or belief) to God. Those who asked me that question were Thomasians, too. However, they argue that we are sociology majors. Meaning, we should look beyond what is given to us by society. It was Marx who said that “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people”. According to this statement, we hold on to religion every time that we don’t know what to do. We use religion to escape the harsh reality, thinking that there is something greater beyond this world filled with suffering. Marx further explains “It is the fantastic realization of the human essence since the human essence has not acquired any true reality. The struggle against religion is, therefore, indirectly the struggle against that world whose spiritual aroma is religion”. Sociologically, we view religion as an institution established for social order. It dictates our norms and values, as well as what are moral and immoral. It defines our culture, the very fabric of our ‘individuality’ (if such thing truly exists). Whether you are a believer or not, you have to face the fact that the society is built upon them, upon the things you call conspiracy and blasphemy. Here’s the deal: I believe that there is no greater religion or faith or ideology over another. There’s simply no point of comparison! However, the moment we’re born, we automatically worship their God. We’re brought up to believe in a certain religion that was chosen for us. To pray to a God that was introduced to us. Some sociologists would say that we join a religion because of the ‘perks’ we get. It maybe intrinsic or extrinsic in nature. Christians are given the promise of eternal life in the Kingdom of Heaven, Hindus have their Nirvana. In a way or two, you’ll always expect something in return. You’ll do good, or else you’ll go to hell (or if you believe in reincarnation, turn into a lower life form). It’s funny how we say that our religion should not affect our decisions because it will always have an effect on the way we look at things.

I would agree with you if you say that everything I believe in is socially constructed. I know for a fact that I am unique not because of my individuality but because of how the society ‘constructed’ me. Sure, the people around me chose for me to believe in this and in that. Sure, I could explain that religion and faith further using sociology. After what I’ve said, do I still believe in God’s existence? Yes. Why? It’s simply because I find God in the simplest wonders around me, especially in the morning when I wake up and live another day. I may experience spiritual dryness along the way, but I believe it simply means I need to trust Him a little more. I need to surrender everything.

Blogging

"Blogging is writing. Writing is therapeutic. Ergo, blogging is therapeutic"

I don't write to please others, I write to make myself feel better. When I was in 6th grade, I wanted to be a writer. I had this notebook filled poems and short stories, plus random notes-which turned my notebook into a diary. Those pages of endless (and relentless) ranting witnessed a different side of me, rarely seen by the people around me. It felt good to share those thoughts with my dairy, knowing that it has no power to judge me.

My classmates introduced me to blogging in 2006, but I started my Xanga in 2008. It was a tough time, and I had to place my thoughts somewhere. I signed up for Xanga, Wordpress, Multiply and LiveJournal. I rarely share my whole life story with anyone, yet my blog knew the stories I refuse to tell anyone-one of the reasons why I deleted my LiveJournal. I used to blog about everything in my LJ blog, which made me decide that I should keep it as my private blog. High school was rough, I had to contain everything in one place-or else I would explode. I also deleted that blog because it was too negative, and it reminded me of things I should forget.

Nowadays, I do believe that there's no need for a private/secret blog. Like what I said earlier, I write to make myself feel better. This blog would help me keep my sanity through tough times, and I'll keep on writing no matter what.

Letter to Nobody

Why do we set standards? Why do we set these crazy standards in the different aspects of our live? We complicate things because of this; we tend to live bounded by those standards, and fail to see beyond the walls that we put up. Why do we expect? And what do we do if our expectations fail? Do we blame ourselves, or those around us? To whom should we address our rants?

Love; one aspect of human life where standards and expectations don't mix well. We have these standards, but at the end of the day, no one is that perfect. I've proven that there's no reason for us to find someone fit for our standards, because that would only lead to failed expectations. I've already met my ideal guy, a friend close to me. I find it funny that I did not see this earlier, but he has almost all of the characteristics I'm looking for in a guy. Funny, I don't find you to be that appealing to me. I don't see myself going our friendship (or at least not yet). If I have the strength to tell him this story, I would say:

Mon chéri, you're my ideal guy. You're too perfect for me though, I think.

Crazy as it sounds, but I don't get why my standards failed. I could almost reach it, but apparently, it is not there anymore. My walls are too thick; I wonder how I'm able to bring this down-someday.

Free yourself from these standards and expectations; start living your life!

Youth and Politics

Please forgive me if my thoughts do not coincide with one another. I have to write my thoughts or else they'll disappear.
Where do we place ourselves in a world controlled by grown ups? How do we speak up without disrespecting their seniority? And most importantly, how could we contribute to the status quo? Youth and politics have long attracted the attention of researchers, however, these two aspects of society are not readily associated with one another. Why? Adults often see us idealistic and apathetic when it comes to politics. At first, I found myself disagreeing with this state. I'm still in my youth, and I'm not like that. Well, it so happens that I'm not the only youth in the country. Yesterday, I was in the extension office-reading the data from the TALIM Seminar. The respondents were officers of different organizations and duly elected SK officials. Most of their answers reflect the optimism that they have for our nation. It maybe a good sign for some, but I can't help but worry. Optimism could lead to possible disillusion. And false hopes. HAHA. They were talking about a nation that's progressive and peaceful; where citizens help one another, where honest and responsible thrives; a nation free from the inequalities that life has to offer. I'm not saying that this is not possible, however, the probability of these things to exist within our lifetime is little. We're Filipinos; we choose to believe in the good side of things, to believe that there is relief beyond the suffering were experiencing. We made ourselves to be optimistic, just to have something to hold on to when things get rough. Apathetic? I don't think so. But our public servants keep on talking about things that we have no concern for. Alienation, yes. People would rather not participate in a system they do not know (or doubt), than to pretend to know things. In the case of TALIM, the respondents are willing to participate because at least they have some experience regarding politics already. The Filipino youth of today does not lack knowledge when it comes to pressing social issues, but getting us to participate in making a difference is another matter. I need to catch up with my reading list, just to add more ideas. I have a lot of reading to do! I'm actually writing my thesis proposal about political youth participation, too.