Confused. Lord, tulong.Though it seemed like a call for attention, it was a sincere prayer. I don't know what to feel that night. I had to let it out. All of it. That feeling of being frustrated, of being boxed, of being judged, of just about everything. Questions filled my mind, while emotions cloud my thoughts. I felt like people have this fixed idea of who Debbie Manalili is, or what she is as a person. Being in Liberal Arts, even in this University, my professors taught me to stand for my convictions-in one way or the other. Thinking about it now, this should be limited. I should always know where to draw the line and just shut up. Di dapat lahat ng bagay, binibigyan pansin. I wanted to walk away, to leave everything behind just because I feel crushed that night. But the Lord won't allow things to end just like that. He simply reminded me why I was here in the first place: it is because of His love.
I am grateful for the people around me. I am blessed with a family who supports me in all my quirks, and who understands this mission. It was never an easy journey towards that, but it was worth it. I am blessed with friends who respect me for the things I believe in. Especially those from socio, I know that we really don't see reality the same, but that is part of what I love about the discipline. I am blessed to be loved by someone who is very patient with my occasional mood swings, someone who loves me even for every flaw that I have. I am blessed to be part of this think tank that keeps me empowered and balanced, and to be of service to this program that I love. I am blessed to be part of this sector core who inspires me to be better and keeps me nourished. I am loved by the Lord through these people and more, even for every caramel macchiato I sip.
With this realization, I can't say that I am okay. All I know that this journey is for and with the Lord. As of this blog post, I know He is asking be two things. First, He is asking me to learn how to forgive. It has always been my weakness, and I know that I can easily forget everything just because I feel hurt. The Lord has given me a lot times to start anew, so why can't I do the same? And second, He is asking me to love without expecting anything in return. Upon doing so, everything else will follow. Everything should be rooted in love, in our love for Him.
In the midst of this situation, I know that the Lord holds my heart. This post is my catharsis. I have it let it all out. I have to let all my inhibitions go and simply trust in the Lord.