True North

In the silence of the chapel, I uttered a simple question. Ano na? Still, after a few months, the heavy feeling that I have is still within. Fr. Stephen said that the retreat was not the time to heal, but rather the start of the healing process. There are questions (and prayers) left unanswered, and slowly, they are getting to my core. Slowly, I am turning away. With each day that passes by, I am learning to live beyond while fighting it at the same it. Giving so much leaves you empty, that you could hardly feel anything but the heartache it brings. This emptiness in service causes pain, but I know I should not think of just vanishing and planning of resurfacing again (just as the strikers in Rand's Atlas Shrugged). This emptiness should push me to seek Him more, as the fisher folks would follow the True North (through the stars) in a dark night. This journey is far from over, and I hope to follow the north star as I travel.

Of Footbridges and Reality

When crossing the footbridge, our only goal is to get to the other side of the road safely. It is an easy task. One can easily get across without minding the people around the same bridge. However, can we say the same with footbridges filled not just with pedestrians but also those who are in need? If anyone asks you for help, would you entertain this stranger? Would you even stop and look at those 'beggars' sitting by the stairs?

Spare change, food, etc. would help them get through a day. This is something, but it will not help them with life. We live in a society wherein giving small help is appreciated, but often neglecting the option to find long term solutions. We could easily give street children food, but what about tomorrow? In reality, receiving alms may be a reason for them to stay in the streets instead of planning something better for their future.

It is easier to create an illusion that our help would actually be part of a bigger thing that could actual solve our problems. However, reality is hitting us hard. We may be blessed not to be experiencing these things, yet we see people suffer everyday. We see them suffer not only poverty, hunger, etc. but the greatest suffering they experience is from the society itself. The society, instead of helping them, pushes these people away and  brand them with different things. They are not outcasts, they should be enjoying the same privileges we are receiving.

If you can't help create the solution, why not at least smile at someone today?

Catharsis

A few nights ago, I tweeted a simple prayer. 

Confused. Lord, tulong. 

Though it seemed like a call for attention, it was a sincere prayer. I don't know what to feel that night. I had to let it out. All of it. That feeling of being frustrated, of being boxed, of being judged, of just about everything. Questions filled my mind, while emotions cloud my thoughts. I felt like people have this fixed idea of who Debbie Manalili is, or what she is as a person. Being in Liberal Arts, even in this University, my professors taught me to stand for my convictions-in one way or the other. Thinking about it now, this should be limited. I should always know where to draw the line and just shut up. Di dapat lahat ng bagay, binibigyan pansin. I wanted to walk away, to leave everything behind just because I feel crushed that night. But the Lord won't allow things to end just like that. He simply reminded me why I was here in the first place: it is because of His love.

I am grateful for the people around me. I am blessed with a family who supports me in all my quirks, and who understands this mission. It was never an easy journey towards that, but it was worth it. I am blessed with friends who respect me for the things I believe in. Especially those from socio, I know that we really don't see reality the same, but that is part of what I love about the discipline. I am blessed to be loved by someone who is very patient with my occasional mood swings, someone who loves me even for every flaw that I have. I am blessed to be part of this think tank that keeps me empowered and balanced, and to be of service to this program that I love. I am blessed to be part of this sector core who inspires me to be better and keeps me nourished. I am loved by the Lord through these people and more, even for every caramel macchiato I sip.

With this realization, I can't say that I am okay. All I know that this journey is for and with the Lord. As of this blog post, I know He is asking be two things. First, He is asking me to learn how to forgive. It has always been my weakness, and I know that I can easily forget everything just because I feel hurt. The Lord has given me a lot times to start anew, so why can't I do the same? And second, He is asking me to love without expecting anything in return. Upon doing so, everything else will follow. Everything should be rooted in love, in our love for Him.

In the midst of this situation, I know that the Lord holds my heart. This post is my catharsis. I have it let it all out. I have to let all my inhibitions go and simply trust in the Lord.

How would describe a moment like this? Could capture how genuine these emotions are? This is why I keep coming back to the mission, to my service, and most specifically, my program. I may fail at many things, but each time I fall, I keep running back. I don't know why, I just do. Serving during the OLOPSC retreat was both a reminder and an affirmation for me. Being there reminded me of the time I was serving in DPS, no holding back and going all out. Growing in the mission in good and bad times. Sure, it was not an easy task and I get hurt, but it was worth it. The retreat reminded me how fragile high school students are. I may be serving in HSB, but I guess I've lost my touch with my members. Despite of these things, I was affirmed of the mission that I have. I find peace and joy in serving these high school students; I am praying that I grow more in love and in spirit through this service.

Capacities*

Last week, I realized that the whole month of September was just crazy. Our class helped organized two events, one for Art Appreciation and the other for the AB Sociology Section. While doing so, we're trying our best to comply with every requirement our professors give us-not matter how silly un-socio like those things are (i.e. Why ask Sociology majors to produce a play if our core courses are research intensive?). 

Most of my classmates are probably thinking that being a research assistant to one of our profs this sem is advantageous. Well, it is and it is not. I guess the advantage that I have is the training that I experienced. I know what the prof expects, and what he wants to see. It ends there. Honestly, having the professor to teach us this sem is not good. I mean, I am pressured. Every time I write something, I would read it and think how he'd react. I feel as if he's expecting me to do better than what I am doing now, because I've been trained in a different way. Well, I think I aced my report. I hope I did.

Capacities. I believe that I am capable of greater things. Capable of overcoming the stress, and delivering what is needed (and more). I have a great capacity...and patience.

*This entry's title is inspired by Up Dharma Down's new album. 

You speak loudest in midst of my silence. You are my north star, You shine even when all else is dark.

He speaks when we listen. He speaks when we listen with our hearts.

Humility. Patience. Obedience. Faith.

08/25/2012

Words are not enough to describe how blessed I feel right now. More than the things that I actually did and received today, I am blessed to really reflect on certain things. The frustration that I felt in the morning was flushed away by the comfort that I experienced later on. Praise God for everything, and may I glorify Him in things that I do.

Socially Constructed Faith

Originally posted October 12, 2011-from my tumblog. I'm posting this on blogger simply because this entry reflects my thoughts for this morning.

I’ve realized some things from last night’s ‘reco’. This post will be long, sensitive and personal, so I’ve decided to give you a choice whether to read it or not :) Highly opinionated and not edited.

I remember one Thursday afternoon, during Theo class, we were discussing about the Ten Commandments. For some odd reason, I asked our prof about spiritual dryness. Spiritual dryness is said to be the feeling of separation from God during prayer. In short, parang di ka kinakausap ng Diyos. She said that it was normal and even St. Catherine (of Siena) experienced the same thing. After our class, I approached her and asked her what should I do. Her words were “parang balon lang yan, pag walang tubig, you have to dig deep”. But I wonder, how do I dig deeper? Paano ko gagawin yun kung feeling ko di na ako kinakausap ng Diyos? That feeling when prayers and questions are both left unanswered, or simply asking for a message that never came. Was I talking too much that I did not hear Him? Why? It is believed that such condition would eventually lead to a greater love of God. A bit sketchy, if you ask me.

I’ve been asked once or twice whether I believe in God’s existence. Kaya daw siguro may so-called ‘spiritual dryness’, kasi wala naman talagang Diyos. I see their point, how would you feel something that isn’t there in the first place? Studying in the Pontifical and Royal University of Santo, The Catholic University of the Philippines DOES NOT, in any way, ensure a student’s faith (or belief) to God. Those who asked me that question were Thomasians, too. However, they argue that we are sociology majors. Meaning, we should look beyond what is given to us by society. It was Marx who said that “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people”. According to this statement, we hold on to religion every time that we don’t know what to do. We use religion to escape the harsh reality, thinking that there is something greater beyond this world filled with suffering. Marx further explains “It is the fantastic realization of the human essence since the human essence has not acquired any true reality. The struggle against religion is, therefore, indirectly the struggle against that world whose spiritual aroma is religion”. Sociologically, we view religion as an institution established for social order. It dictates our norms and values, as well as what are moral and immoral. It defines our culture, the very fabric of our ‘individuality’ (if such thing truly exists). Whether you are a believer or not, you have to face the fact that the society is built upon them, upon the things you call conspiracy and blasphemy. Here’s the deal: I believe that there is no greater religion or faith or ideology over another. There’s simply no point of comparison! However, the moment we’re born, we automatically worship their God. We’re brought up to believe in a certain religion that was chosen for us. To pray to a God that was introduced to us. Some sociologists would say that we join a religion because of the ‘perks’ we get. It maybe intrinsic or extrinsic in nature. Christians are given the promise of eternal life in the Kingdom of Heaven, Hindus have their Nirvana. In a way or two, you’ll always expect something in return. You’ll do good, or else you’ll go to hell (or if you believe in reincarnation, turn into a lower life form). It’s funny how we say that our religion should not affect our decisions because it will always have an effect on the way we look at things.

I would agree with you if you say that everything I believe in is socially constructed. I know for a fact that I am unique not because of my individuality but because of how the society ‘constructed’ me. Sure, the people around me chose for me to believe in this and in that. Sure, I could explain that religion and faith further using sociology. After what I’ve said, do I still believe in God’s existence? Yes. Why? It’s simply because I find God in the simplest wonders around me, especially in the morning when I wake up and live another day. I may experience spiritual dryness along the way, but I believe it simply means I need to trust Him a little more. I need to surrender everything.

Realizations.

Earlier, I had the chance to bond with our former household. Even though the time was limited, it was nice seeing (almost) everyone again. My time with them made me realize things, most of them I shared on Twitter.   I tweeted like crazy earlier because of the ideas popping in my head.

1. Grateful for my YFC North B HS Household. I just realized that they're one of the reasons why I love HSB this much. I'm blessed to have served with such passionate people. They helped me to be closer to Him. Plus, these people were strangers turned good friends.
2. Christ centered relationships are the best. After our 'term', the household remained friends. People may change, but our relationship with one another remained the same. Why? Simply because it is Christ who fill the differences that we have. Tonight was a quiet one (very unusual), but we had fun. Being comfortable with each other's silence, simply amazing.  
3. Genuine change could only happen through Christ. Like what I said on Twitter, our stay in YFC is temporary but we'll be Christ forever. I realized tonight that our stay in this community is senseless if we're not living Christ centered lives. We may be actively serving the community, but do we walk our talk? Do we practice what we preach? You enjoy worshiping at events, but how is your personal prayer time? The opportunity of being in YFC is wasted every time we fail to deepen our relationship with Christ. There is a reason why we're called Youth For Christ. The name of our ministry is a constant reminder that Christ wants to have personal connection with us, that we be of His service. We need to change because of Him, and not just because we're part of YFC.

I pray that His love be the center of my life, of everything that I do. I pray that He continue to bless the people who are near and dear to me, and those people who serve Him wholeheartedly. I pray that my faith be strengthened because of Him, with the help of my YFC family. I pray that He speak to me, and lead me to the path He made for me.