Stuck within Grace

I’ve found myself stuck in a lot of things lately: my studies, organizational work, and perhaps even stuck within the perception other people have towards me. It has started to take its toll on me both emotionally, through countless anxiety attacks, and physically, as my body started to succumb to the all this stress.

Writing has been my ultimate stress reliever since high school, but it seems like it's been causing me stress as well. I've been struggling to find the right words, phrase, paragraphs for the past few months. Instead of being an outlet for my thoughts, creativity, and at times, #feels, writing felt like a trap. Stuck in a seemingly old routine, in an endless struggle to create something.

The universe has its ways of magnifying our feels, our current situation.

Gratitude List

Deciding to write is one thing, focusing on a subject is another. I always find myself struggling at the later, having my thoughts all over the place. In the attempt to rekindle this passion for writing, allow me to share some of the things I've been grateful for the past few months. 2015 has been, and still is, a year of God's love and grace in all ways. 

Channeling our #burgis selves at Xocolat!

Thank you, batch! Can't believe we're already stressing ourselves with the final stretch of our course work. Looking forward to more dinner out with you plus another set of theoretical/life chikkahan.

Still Alive

Here's a mandatory after semester entry. But instead of blabbing about what actually transpired during those months, let me share a few things that I learned. Just three things.

First, patience goes a long way. As a self-proclaimed introvert, I also claimed to be very patient. Then again, graduate school happened. The traffic in Katipunan was enough to get to my nerves. How can a five-minute drive on a weekend be a 30 minute commute? Later on, I learned to adjust to this - from going to school earlier than usual to going home after the rush hour. Patience with reading, writing, studying and everything that comes with graduate school. I've never studied that hard since...no, never did I gave that much effort in my studies until last semester.  

Second, surround yourself with good people AKA befriend fellow graduate students. You are not competing with anyone. You are not supposed to compete with them. You do not have to agree on everything, too! Just try talking to them, even if it is just about school work. You'll find yourself enjoying grad school in no time. I did. As a scholar, my batchmates became my instant circle and I eventually gained some other friends along the way. I may not be here to win Ms. Congeniality, but hey, I am always happy to meet new people and explore new worlds.

Last but definitely not the least, don't forget to have fun! Yes, there are a lot of things to be done, but one must allow him/herself to enjoy even for a while - to escape all the stress that there is. Go on a class lunch/dinner out, a family bonding, or even a date! There's more to life than graduate school, don't let it pass you by just because of an A.

12 units of coursework done, 12 more to go. Plus comprehensive exams + thesis. See you on Monday, Katipunan. I'm still alive. I'm still in the game. I will do more.

I am thankful for everything that keeps me occupied me right now. If I'm still either out-of-school or out-of-work, I would be probably a huge emotional train wreck right now. Hooray for this productive stress!

Where am I now?

Let me tell you a story.

To new beginnings

So...I got my heart broken almost four months ago. The break up, as I'd like to see it, was not a messy one. No public dramas, no screams, no tears. Hindi naman yung fact na hiniwalayan ako ang nag break ng puso ko. It was more painful to ask - what now? How do I even start over again? I remember how everyone was concerned about me and how I feel. Now that I think about it, I felt numb. It happened so sudden, I just decided not to feel anything. I have forgiven that person. I also decided to acknowledge my emotions. And yes, it is painful. Hurts like hell. However, it is amazing how I managed to look for love in the past few months. Point of clarification: I'm neither seeing nor entertaining anyone new. I am thankful for my family, my friends, the YFC community, and basically just everyone who stood by me. Despite what he said, this break up is not easy for me. Yet, I continue to trust that the Lord is simply writing the best love story for me.

As I try to pick up the pieces of my heart, I feel like I am in the dark. Fresh out of college, no concrete plans yet. Fresh from a break-up. Discerning whether to transition out of the sector or to stay, yet again, for another year. All these thoughts, slowly consuming me mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Finding peace again, fear is lost in all You are

By God's grace, I found myself in Palawan for the International Conference (ICON) of YFC. And I don't regret booking my plane ticket at the last minute. The ICON served as an escape for me - from all the worries and burdens I feel back home. My prayer was simply: Lord, kayo na ang bahala. Pagod na ako.

So I let go and let God. Little did I know, this is what He wanted me to do all along. To let Him hold my hand, leading me to greater heights. He speaks when we listen, when we listen with our hearts. A few weeks after Palawan, our couple coordinators entrusted me the whole sector. To step up and be an ate to whole YFC North B. Overwhelming, yes. Initially, it felt like a huge conspiracy. On the other hand, I was simply reminded of the discernment I had about two years ago. It took time before everything sunk in. I realized, that this is simply an affirmation of the mission He is continuously calling me to. I also get to stay in High School Based, as part of the Think Tank.

I wrote this almost a year ago. Upon graduation, the only thing I had in mind was applying for graduate school at the Ateneo and for the scholarship under the IPC. Lo and behold, I'm writing this blog entry from the graduate section of the Rizal Library. My body is still adjusting to demands of being a graduate student (i.e. biglang kasipagan, spending time to really read, etc.). So far, I am loving the academic culture in this University - though I am still adjusting to some culture of Ateneans. Especially with the undergraduates (like wearing super short shorts, spaghetti strapped tops, etc). I am grateful to be part of the 2nd batch of the IPC-DSA scholarship. Sure, it can be stressful at times. But I simply remind myself why I wanted to pursue further studies in the first place. Para sa lipunan. Though I am in Ateneo, a place familiar to me, I enjoy learning new things as well as meeting new people. Very refreshing.

Where will You take me?

In the months that passed by, I am amazed by things that happened. Admittedly, I have accomplished more in that period of time compared to the pass year. Why? I really don't know. I'm simply looking forward to where else will He take me in the next few months and years. Let go. Journey with the Lord.

Starting Strong

Let me share this essay I've written for my graduate school application:

As fresh graduates, we actually have three options after college: magpayaman (economically), magpayaman ng kaalaman (increasing knowledge), and magpayaman ng kamalayan (enriching consciousness). Though it is tempting to find work and to get rich, I choose to deepen my knowledge and consciousness by pursuing graduate studies in Sociology. It is the promise of seeing the strange in the familiar that made me choose this program. On a sociological note, this decision may be a product of the social forces which influenced me to pursue graduate studies now. As sociology sees the society differently and helps explain a lot of things, I realize that the knowledge gained in this program will be of practical use – especially when translated to policy and concrete action. Through this program, I am also preparing myself for a career within the discipline – it may be teaching, or doing research.

In UST, Sociology majors have three core trainings: theory, research, and application. Students learn the basics of the discipline within the classroom, do research on issues, and apply the two in real life through different community exposure and immersion trips. It is through the lessons within and outside the University that I learned two things: makipagkapwa tao and maging tao. It is from my bachelors that I know how to deal with people equally, biases suspended, and how to be a better human being. Aside from being a full time student, I also worked as a research assistant for almost four years. Through this experience, I discovered that I could actually multi-task and juggle my responsibilities in school, work and home. However, it is quite a risk to do all things at once with a great chance of not being productive at all. I tend to cram when this happens. Primarily, I learned how to do research this stint, specifically qualitative data analysis through CAQDAS. I have some problems with doing quantitative research, however with the basics I know, I am excited to learn more about it. I look forward to pagpapayaman ng kaalaman in graduate school, as I know that there a lot of things in Sociology that I could add to the knowledge I gained in UST.

However, my professors also reminded me that learning for knowledge’s sake is futile. This opportunity to be educated at the Ateneo gives us a chance to explore our options, or rather avenues, on how to better contribute to the greater society. Personally, I see that there are two contributions: to the discipline and to the society. First, there is this opportunity to contribute to development of the identity of Sociology in the Philippines: as a discipline, a profession, and as a way of life. Pursuing higher education in this discipline means that we are one step closer to building a distinct Filipino Sociology, that people would identify with and something we could share to the international community. And second, it is the responsibility of the student of sociology to enrich the consciousness (magpayaman ng kamalayan) of the people around him/her in the hopes of having a better society.

Disclaimer: This was not the essay that I submitted with my application to the Ateneo. My mentor in UST told me that the text above sounds like a speech...and a bit preachy. So I wrote another piece, which I will publish in another entry.

Tomorrow, I will officially have my first day as a graduate student - inside my ultimate dream university since '08. How do I feel? Excited and challenged, both at the same time. Although I will be studying the same discipline as my bachelor's degree, it's all new to me. I guess I have to simply carpe diem and keep going - to ride that roller coaster that only goes up. I will start strong with this degree, so that I could prepare myself to finish strong. I am truly grateful for this opportunity (and/or privilege).

self portrait x carpe-the-effin-diem