Where am I now?

Let me tell you a story.

To new beginnings

So...I got my heart broken almost four months ago. The break up, as I'd like to see it, was not a messy one. No public dramas, no screams, no tears. Hindi naman yung fact na hiniwalayan ako ang nag break ng puso ko. It was more painful to ask - what now? How do I even start over again? I remember how everyone was concerned about me and how I feel. Now that I think about it, I felt numb. It happened so sudden, I just decided not to feel anything. I have forgiven that person. I also decided to acknowledge my emotions. And yes, it is painful. Hurts like hell. However, it is amazing how I managed to look for love in the past few months. Point of clarification: I'm neither seeing nor entertaining anyone new. I am thankful for my family, my friends, the YFC community, and basically just everyone who stood by me. Despite what he said, this break up is not easy for me. Yet, I continue to trust that the Lord is simply writing the best love story for me.

As I try to pick up the pieces of my heart, I feel like I am in the dark. Fresh out of college, no concrete plans yet. Fresh from a break-up. Discerning whether to transition out of the sector or to stay, yet again, for another year. All these thoughts, slowly consuming me mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Finding peace again, fear is lost in all You are

By God's grace, I found myself in Palawan for the International Conference (ICON) of YFC. And I don't regret booking my plane ticket at the last minute. The ICON served as an escape for me - from all the worries and burdens I feel back home. My prayer was simply: Lord, kayo na ang bahala. Pagod na ako.

So I let go and let God. Little did I know, this is what He wanted me to do all along. To let Him hold my hand, leading me to greater heights. He speaks when we listen, when we listen with our hearts. A few weeks after Palawan, our couple coordinators entrusted me the whole sector. To step up and be an ate to whole YFC North B. Overwhelming, yes. Initially, it felt like a huge conspiracy. On the other hand, I was simply reminded of the discernment I had about two years ago. It took time before everything sunk in. I realized, that this is simply an affirmation of the mission He is continuously calling me to. I also get to stay in High School Based, as part of the Think Tank.

I wrote this almost a year ago. Upon graduation, the only thing I had in mind was applying for graduate school at the Ateneo and for the scholarship under the IPC. Lo and behold, I'm writing this blog entry from the graduate section of the Rizal Library. My body is still adjusting to demands of being a graduate student (i.e. biglang kasipagan, spending time to really read, etc.). So far, I am loving the academic culture in this University - though I am still adjusting to some culture of Ateneans. Especially with the undergraduates (like wearing super short shorts, spaghetti strapped tops, etc). I am grateful to be part of the 2nd batch of the IPC-DSA scholarship. Sure, it can be stressful at times. But I simply remind myself why I wanted to pursue further studies in the first place. Para sa lipunan. Though I am in Ateneo, a place familiar to me, I enjoy learning new things as well as meeting new people. Very refreshing.

Where will You take me?

In the months that passed by, I am amazed by things that happened. Admittedly, I have accomplished more in that period of time compared to the pass year. Why? I really don't know. I'm simply looking forward to where else will He take me in the next few months and years. Let go. Journey with the Lord.

Where to?

Where is God leading you?

This guide question from our household earlier struck me. Constantly, I've been praying for God's leading whether it be in academics, service, or personal life. The question above, however, was not an easy one. Prayers for His will on certain aspects of my life have escalated lately-as manifested on my twitter statuses. I believe that He wants me to go where I am needed, and not where I want to be. It's easy to say that, but it's difficult to do. His plans are clear, but I'm having a hard timing to see it. I'm torn between a deep sense of familiarity and going beyond what I know. Sooner or later, His leading will be clear. My heart is excited to journey with Him.

On Discernment

Discernment. Google would define this word as the ability to judge well, and or, the keenness of insight and judgment.  I had to look up the word, hoping that it would help me. Unfortunately, it did not. The YFC community taught me that discernment goes beyond our own judgment-it is actually listening to God's message and His plans for you. It's the time when you pray and reflect before making a decision (on where God is leading you to).

Just a week ago, I was listening to kuya Sol during our (HSB + Campus) Moderators' Summit. His session focused on exciting everyone for the mission that lies ahead-for our empowerment. I enjoyed his talk, but what struck me was this message: malinaw naman ang plano ni Lord, baka ikaw lang ang nagpapalabo. During the reflection, I realized how God blessed me in high school based. From the iyakin participant then to the grateful (but still iyakin) youth head writing this entry. I experienced everything in HSB, through Him. I prayed for more guidance, on where should I go next. At the end of the talk, kuya Sol showed a clip. To cut the long story short, it tries (which is in line with the talk) to tell us that we should stop looking and waiting for signs, we should grab the opportunity (and be a blessing).

A confused heart. I know what I want, but would God want that for me? Just a few days ago may prayer was answered. Well, is this a sign? It's different from what I've been praying for more than a year, and it did caught me off guard. I need to surround myself with good people, to consider everything, and to be prayerful. More importantly, I should be faithful to His promise.

Possibilities are infinite, so how could there be just one right choice to a decision?