Wednesday, March 2

I remember taking swimming lessons back as a kid - absolutely hated it. One day in class, there was drill about doing frog kicks and being able to this in one breath. We gathered at the end of the pool, one by one they were already jumping into the water. I was scared because it was too deep. I was scared because I did not trust myself enough to be able to swim upwards. And then it happened. Our instructor pushed me towards the pool. I resurfaced minutes later, though I can't remember if I did it myself or someone pulled me out of the water. All I remember was the feeling of drowning. Of being overwhelmed by the water and its depth. Of how I cannot touch the floor with my feet, of the absence of a gutter to hold on to.

It is the same feeling that I have now. The feeling of drowning, and being suffocated - not by water, but by the responsibilities I am bound to fulfill. Overwhelmed of the things I need to do, scared that I might not do it all by myself. Afraid of the consequences that will arrive with failure. Overwhelmed by not seeing the end, the depth of these responsibilities. Overwhelmed by how fast time seems to be, of how fast time seems to disappear. Overwhelmed to be on my own, to be doing this one my own.

I feel like I am drowning in a pool filled by my insecurities, fears, and questions. Drowning even though I know that God will always be there to meet me where I am. How did I even get myself into this? Why am I running from my saving grace? Why am I running away You again?