In a few years now, you will be reading this post again and will be laughing out loud. As of this moment, you're going through a lot and that's okay. Experiencing post-college and break up hang overs may be too much for one person, but you are handling yourself well. There may be emotions spilling every now and then, but at least you are allowing yourself to feel these things. I know your world was turned upside down - especially now that you are not able to control how things are changing. You even changed your planner because you can't bear the fact that not everything written on your first one will happen. Always remember that this is God's way of reminding you that His plans are way better than yours; that everything that is happening in your life is just His way of preparing you for greater things that lie ahead.
Debbie, allow yourself to journey into the unknown. Let His grace be your light. Whenever you get your anxiety attacks, breathe slowly and stop thinking. Pray, simply pray. Allow yourself to love and to be loved again; to trust in others and to simply journey with that person. Be patient in waiting, don't rush into things the way you did last time. Never close any doors, but if anyone comes back, be sure that person knocks and will take time to wait for you to meet him at the door. Never close any doors at anyone just because you only think of that person in this manner. Allow yourself to see the endless possibilities and to simply allow Him to lead your heart. Don't be afraid to feel things, whether it be kilig or anger. Learn to give in to these emotions.
Remember to thank everyone around you for simply helping you journey through this tough times. You shouldn't be counting how long it's been since that day. What matters most is not what happened or what will happen - what is happening now is more important. Don't let anyone dictate the things you do or the decisions you make, but simply hear them out. Thank him for simply allowing you to be part of his life, and for allowing you to love him for more than a year. It is through your relationship that you grew, and now you're a better person compared to the Debbie before. You've said everything in that letter, and now it's time to let things go. While most people choose to be angry, you gathered enough courage to send him that message and say those things. May you both find true joy, and remain as good friends.
Also, stop worrying about the scholarship. You've done your part already, allow God to do His thing. If it's meant to be, it will be.
I hope you still choose to have a happy and grateful heart. Focus your energy in studying and in serving YFC North B (and High School Based). You are loved and blessed.
Deb (May 2014)