Monday, February 20

Masks

Earlier today, I saw this on the table of our Dean's secretary:
"Forgive, smile, love, share, and serve"
Those words struck me. Since I was young, I tried to put a brave face on even if things are rough. When I was in 4th grade, I accidentally tripped and fell to the ground. Both of my knees ended up wounded that day. I was hurt, but I did not tell anyone that. When our service driver ran to me, I stood up and said I was okay. I wore jammies that night, because I don't want mama to see my wounds-I was afraid she'll get mad at me. I developed a fever, my mom found out about my wounds, and the issue became bigger. I got scolded and a lot of people got involved. For hiding my pain, I got those people tangled in the mess that I created.

In high school, I loved someone. Everything was perfect; we had the passion for books and writing, for collecting vintage stuffs-basically the same interests in life. Except we were never really together (officially). Then, one day, I realized that we've never talked to each other since August 2009. Do I miss that guy? Of course I do, but people grow apart and feelings do fade. Puppy love, yes. I acted as if nothing happened, but I realized, I never allowed anyone to court me after him.

Lately, I've been experiencing pain again. I have to balance everything just to keep myself sane. I've been wearing my masks again, but I think it's not enough to hide my messed up emotions. I wanted to be seen as someone who's carefree, as someone who doesn't worry about anything. I've been hurt again, this time by someone whom I trusted. A friend who knows almost everything about me. A friend who knows my secrets, and my pains. A friend who knows my simple joys. I admired him to the point that I thought I fell for him. I love him, as one of my dearest friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Honestly, I just laugh about it when I remember that phase in my life. We've been teased since last year, but so what? If he's going to let that come between our friendship, I guess he's not a true friend after all. The way he's been acting, I can't even talked to him personally-which makes me look like a bratty kid. No, not right now. Parang di ko na siya kilala, I wonder what happened. Did either of us change, or did we simply grew apart? And yet, when our friends ask me, I say everything is fine. We're just both busy-but we're okay. Lies.

I can't do things right because my emotions are getting in the way. Part of me went missing. Forgive, smile, love, share, and serve. I need to fix myself. I don't want to involve people in my mess again. I want to stop wearing these masks!

I believe that those words are His message for me. I need to forgive those people that are hurting me, to be able to smile and be thankful that these things happened, to allow myself to love again despite of all the pain I've experienced, to share the lessons I'm learning in life, and to be able to serve Him with all of me. Hurts, they help me grow to be stronger. A carbon takes a lot of years and pressure to be formed into a diamond. I'm letting everything go, I hope that I've learned a lot.