July 19, 2014
Yokohama, Japan

I've been drunk with good moments and high on optimism. The past four months, cr-azy as it seems, made me feel like I'm invincible. It felt like I'm on cloud nine, on ecstasy, in nirvana, etc. Everything just felt good. Amazing. Happy. Like I could do everything in one snap.

I was wrong.

The feelings inside of me were trapped. Feelings that remained unexplored. Thoughts sugarcoated. There was another Debbie within, yearning for freedom - to simply scream.

This trip helped me a lot. I opted to be on my own for most times, and it allowed me to simply think and reflect. Wherever I am today, it's thanks to all the intersections and hard work I did for the past few years. I know where I want to be, and I'm willing to do anything to get there. Well, not the expense of others. I'll get there because I deserve to.

I'll be braver this time. Just wait and see.

I am thankful for everything that keeps me occupied me right now. If I'm still either out-of-school or out-of-work, I would be probably a huge emotional train wreck right now. Hooray for this productive stress!

Where am I now?

Let me tell you a story.

To new beginnings

So...I got my heart broken almost four months ago. The break up, as I'd like to see it, was not a messy one. No public dramas, no screams, no tears. Hindi naman yung fact na hiniwalayan ako ang nag break ng puso ko. It was more painful to ask - what now? How do I even start over again? I remember how everyone was concerned about me and how I feel. Now that I think about it, I felt numb. It happened so sudden, I just decided not to feel anything. I have forgiven that person. I also decided to acknowledge my emotions. And yes, it is painful. Hurts like hell. However, it is amazing how I managed to look for love in the past few months. Point of clarification: I'm neither seeing nor entertaining anyone new. I am thankful for my family, my friends, the YFC community, and basically just everyone who stood by me. Despite what he said, this break up is not easy for me. Yet, I continue to trust that the Lord is simply writing the best love story for me.

As I try to pick up the pieces of my heart, I feel like I am in the dark. Fresh out of college, no concrete plans yet. Fresh from a break-up. Discerning whether to transition out of the sector or to stay, yet again, for another year. All these thoughts, slowly consuming me mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Finding peace again, fear is lost in all You are

By God's grace, I found myself in Palawan for the International Conference (ICON) of YFC. And I don't regret booking my plane ticket at the last minute. The ICON served as an escape for me - from all the worries and burdens I feel back home. My prayer was simply: Lord, kayo na ang bahala. Pagod na ako.

So I let go and let God. Little did I know, this is what He wanted me to do all along. To let Him hold my hand, leading me to greater heights. He speaks when we listen, when we listen with our hearts. A few weeks after Palawan, our couple coordinators entrusted me the whole sector. To step up and be an ate to whole YFC North B. Overwhelming, yes. Initially, it felt like a huge conspiracy. On the other hand, I was simply reminded of the discernment I had about two years ago. It took time before everything sunk in. I realized, that this is simply an affirmation of the mission He is continuously calling me to. I also get to stay in High School Based, as part of the Think Tank.

I wrote this almost a year ago. Upon graduation, the only thing I had in mind was applying for graduate school at the Ateneo and for the scholarship under the IPC. Lo and behold, I'm writing this blog entry from the graduate section of the Rizal Library. My body is still adjusting to demands of being a graduate student (i.e. biglang kasipagan, spending time to really read, etc.). So far, I am loving the academic culture in this University - though I am still adjusting to some culture of Ateneans. Especially with the undergraduates (like wearing super short shorts, spaghetti strapped tops, etc). I am grateful to be part of the 2nd batch of the IPC-DSA scholarship. Sure, it can be stressful at times. But I simply remind myself why I wanted to pursue further studies in the first place. Para sa lipunan. Though I am in Ateneo, a place familiar to me, I enjoy learning new things as well as meeting new people. Very refreshing.

Where will You take me?

In the months that passed by, I am amazed by things that happened. Admittedly, I have accomplished more in that period of time compared to the pass year. Why? I really don't know. I'm simply looking forward to where else will He take me in the next few months and years. Let go. Journey with the Lord.

051314

Dear Debbie,

In a few years now, you will be reading this post again and will be laughing out loud. As of this moment, you're going through a lot and that's okay. Experiencing post-college and break up hang overs may be too much for one person, but you are handling yourself well. There may be emotions spilling every now and then, but at least you are allowing yourself to feel these things. I know your world was turned upside down - especially now that you are not able to control how things are changing. You even changed your planner because you can't bear the fact that not everything written on your first one will happen. Always remember that this is God's way of reminding you that His plans are way better than yours; that everything that is happening in your life is just His way of preparing you for greater things that lie ahead.

Debbie, allow yourself to journey into the unknown. Let His grace be your light. Whenever you get your anxiety attacks, breathe slowly and stop thinking. Pray, simply pray. Allow yourself to love and to be loved again; to trust in others and to simply journey with that person. Be patient in waiting, don't rush into things the way you did last time. Never close any doors, but if anyone comes back, be sure that person knocks and will take time to wait for you to meet him at the door. Never close any doors at anyone just because you only think of that person in this manner. Allow yourself to see the endless possibilities and to simply allow Him to lead your heart. Don't be afraid to feel things, whether it be kilig or anger. Learn to give in to these emotions.

Remember to thank everyone around you for simply helping you journey through this tough times. You shouldn't be counting how long it's been since that day. What matters most is not what happened or what will happen - what is happening now is more important. Don't let anyone dictate the things you do or the decisions you make, but simply hear them out. Thank him for simply allowing you to be part of his life, and for allowing you to love him for more than a year. It is through your relationship that you grew, and now you're a better person compared to the Debbie before. You've said everything in that letter, and now it's time to let things go. While most people choose to be angry, you gathered enough courage to send him that message and say those things. May you both find true joy, and remain as good friends.

Also, stop worrying about the scholarship. You've done your part already, allow God to do His thing. If it's meant to be, it will be.

I hope you still choose to have a happy and grateful heart. Focus your energy in studying and in serving YFC North B (and High School Based). You are loved and blessed.

Love,
Deb (May 2014)

For the past two months, I believe that God is simply allowing me to see His mercy, grace and power. There's a lot of things that has been happening, not only to me but to the people and groups that hold a special place in my heart. I am humbled by the fact that the Lord prepared (and is preparing) me for the greater things that lie ahead through the people surrounding me. This posture of mine seems unrealistic for most, but happiness is a choice. Life is not perfect, I still feel pain - but I choose to journey through it, with a happy and grateful heart. It is difficult to see light in the darkness, but if we simply look beyond the cracks, we should have a glimpse of something brighter. I am excited how the Lord plants little surprises throughout this path He laid for me. I am excited for the people who has answered His call, and how these babies would allow Him to work in their lives.

042014 - Unfinished

Suddenly,
You came rushing back;
Back as I pick the pieces up -
As I try to piece myself back together.

Rushing back to where we were,
To how we were before.
It was never the same again.
You and I changed -
We fell and got wounded,
We changed,
We grew up.

Rushing to something new,
Something seemingly familiar.
Feels like we've been here before,
But it was not the same place.
Are we going ‘round circles -
- or paving new paths?

You never left.

Originally posted here.

Boom.

Last night, I exploded.

It took me almost month to realize what happened, and how the pain that comes with it. Wa poise yung explosive e-mail. But I'm happy I finally got that out of my system. Off to a great life, because better is an understatement.

Grateful for all my friends, especially to the protective brothers. I owe you. Best support group ever.

Praise God for continuously healing and filling this heart.

Crazy. Strong. Faithful.

Earlier, I opened a message sent to me by a friend, part of it reads:

Continue to give of yourself in love despite the hurts and challenges. And most of all, allow God to give to you as well, for him to keep replenishing that which you have sacrificed for the good of others.

I did cry for the e-mail. Not because of the pain, but for those words above. To fill you in, I just got out of a relationship. It was not a messy break up, not what I had in mind. No screaming, fighting or crying. Martyr na kung martyr, but I know I have forgiven him. The pain will always be there, but only time could heal this heart - in the hopes of being able to give myself as a whole again, to trust another person, and to love like I have never loved before. Every story has its own endings, and I believe this is not the end for us. No, I don't think (or feel) I want to be back with the person right now. Respeto sa sarili, please. You could never tell what the future holds, but right now I'm really looking forward to be good friends with him. I have found a true friend in him, at kung naniniwala ako sa konsepto ng best friend, siya na siguro yun.

A lot of people would tell me I'm too nice for forgiving him after what happened. Honestly, it is my choice not to burden myself emotionally. No regrets, just love because everything that happened in the relationship is a decision between him and I. I am grateful for that year together, and I choose not to erase it from my memory or even social media. And after all, love had made me crazier, stronger, and more faithful.

Love made me crazier. It pushed me to commute from UST to Katipunan on almost a weekly basis. It made me do things I've never done before. Love made me try weird food, transformed me to a girl (read: skirts and dresses), and even keep me sane (which is not normal). Growing up independently, it's crazy to consider another person in my decisions. It was crazy of having to care for another person other than myself.

Love made me stronger. His mom always reminded me to be extra patient with him. It's hard to control emotions and temper. A year together made me mature. A year together made me a strong woman. That although there are two people in this relationship, I am still my own person. I have my own decisions to make, problems to face. And I guess it is one of the reasons why I'm doing good right now. I don't need another person to make me realize how powerful I can be. Hash tag women empowerment.

And lastly, love made me more faithful. In times when I do not know what to do, I end up praying. Though this love has fallen apart, I pray that He bless us both. It is my faith that keeps me positive. Love will always be a beautiful thing. It is also better shared with someone who has the same faith with you, someone who'd love your God more than you. And I know that I am still journeying God's plans for me, a surprise waiting to be unraveled in the future.

Borrowed Pen

Written around 1PM at the Raintree Teaspresso.

I find myself in this cafe -
With blank pages
And a borrowed pen.

As the ink fill up the spaces
With words better left unsaid

As the pages grow thinner
With thoughts written

I find myself - thinking -
Do I keep the pen
And keep writing?

Or should I return it
And let another fill up
Her pages with it?

Just now, at home, around 10.30PM - as a continuation

I find myself in this cafe -
Trying to write some more
Trying to create more memories

No -
No more

I let the pen go -
For it was never mine to keep

I let the pen go -
For it has better stories to write
On a different notebook.