Wednesday, February 25

The other night, I had an anxiety attack - feeling every insecurities and worries I've been carrying for quite some time now. It left me with a heavy heart, and gave me a hard time breathing. Again, I asked the Lord why now. Why am I feeling so insignificant again? Why am I feeling that I am not enough? Why am I feeling that I am not exerting enough effort in the aspects of my life? Why do I always get left behind? Why am I even here? All these questions and more. A heavy heart. I carried everything until the next day, until I got to our meeting.

Your circumstance should not be the sole basis of your decisions. Consider it, and pray.

When kuya Raymond spoke these words during the think tank, I knew it was the Lord speaking. More importantly, all my questions were answered within those few words. It was His way of telling me, "My child, stop worrying! Hold on to my promises, hold to my perfect time. The things you see and experience now can't compare with what's coming." To do things for Him, and not for me. I realized then the cause of almost all of my anxiety attacks: my inability to control my current circumstances, the fear of losing grip [and sight] of reality. I have always thought that excitement is what I feel in my heart before, but now I see that it was impatience with God's timing. I look forward to His plans because I want to experience it NOW. It's really amazing how He speaks and expresses Himself through the people around me, in a way that would get the message through me.

As I was telling my friends, 2014 had been a year of transitions for me. Some things had to end, while better opportunities came. It was a year that strengthened me, a year that allowed me to grow. Now, I see 2015 as an extension of that transition process. This time, the Lord is calling me to grow in terms of my profession and the way I relate to others. It is a good year to learn and to unlearn yet more things. This is not to say that I will fully embrace His plans, but rather an initiative and attempt to do so. I really look forward as to how He will just lead me in this journey, and teach me to be patient.